Change please?

I always say that I like changes and challenges in life. I always have. I used to get up in the middle of the night as kid and completely rearrange my room. My hair color has gone from pretty blond, to reddish, to a darker brown. I have worked hard for everything I have since I turned 16. Nothing comes easy and I always work my ass off for it. I wanted to go to Europe (twice), mom and dad said I had to work to pay for it. Same for my car. Clothes. Everything. I always push myself for what I want to do, see, or be. Sometimes it takes a little while for me to see the right way to do it (i.e. School) but I finish. Achieve what I want. My problem... why have I been complaining and griping for SEVEN god damn years about my weight. I dated Rocco, worked my ass off at KB Toys, and blew up. POOF! It was like over night. I have pictures from when Roc and I went to Orlando in July of 2000 and then pictures from me and him from July of 2001. WTF happened? 80 pounds. Not just 15 or 20. EIGHTY. I'll be damned if I have been able to change that. I have tried but just not hard enough. I lose 10 or 15 and gain it right back. I am not supposed to be like this.

Why is it I can change everything else in my life but this. I have changed careers, majors, friends, boyfriends, outlooks on things but I'll be damned if I can change the way I think or feel about myself to actually do anything about it. It doesn't matter who offers concerns or opinions. Nothing seems to help. What kind of motivation do I need. I have tried to use a friendly competition with a friend who needed to lose weight too. I have tried to blog about it. I even had a guy tell me I was too overweight for him to date and even THAT did nothing for me. Yeah I might have lost a few pounds but really nothing significant. What do I need to find to push myself. I am so tired of sitting in front of my half empty closet feeling disgusting b/c I am sooo tired of the same fucking clothes and not being able to go shopping to find what I like. I have every resource I need. I have a FREE gym membership, an elliptical at home, I know how to eat properly but yet I still sit. Think, well, I could go to the gym right now but I'm too tired (or whatever the reason is).

I mean, its not just the fact that I'm overweight that bothers me. Its the potential health problems. I look at my family and it worries me. Heart Disease, Cancers, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure. I don't want to be 35 with diabetes or 40 having a heart attack. My gyno has already told me I will more than likely have to go on fertility drugs b/c I have PCOS. I have this allergic reaction to god knows what (for the last seven years - interesting maybe I'm allergic to being fat?).

What do I do. How do I stay motivated. I just want to look in the mirror and feel better about myself or go for a walk and feel invigorated rather than exhausted.